The Could've, Should've, Would've Cycle Won't Change Your Past... Focusing on Your Growth Just Might

I wish I had known better.

Whenever I find myself ruminating on the should've, could've, would've train, I like to add a bit of salt in the wound by dwelling on this pervasive thought.

I'm sure it's a thought we all have in common. There are so many things that we have experienced in life where I'm certain, knowing better, would have led to better outcomes and different results. Or, at least to better results than what it is we find ourselves facing and trying to resolve, today.

Experience is something I've spent the large majority of my life trying to filter.

I have spent too much time in my earlier years trying to mitigate any situation that might lead to the inner dialogue that highlights the extent in which I am disappointed in myself. I remember one of my first mentors had once mentioned to me, "You may be smarter than me but what I have on you is experience, and no book can buy you lived experience."

At the time I didn't fully understand the value of this feedback, today I do... and even for the experiences we all feel we could've done without, there is no teacher better than experience.

Many of us, myself included, try our hardest to control the outcomes and settings we find ourselves in. We want to contain, diffuse, and steer clear from the experiences we feel might hurt us, pain avoidance a huge incentive in managing our internal decision matrices. All the while discounting the value that the most painful lessons have left in their wake. It is difficult to find a valuable lesson that didn't also come with its own healthy dose of pain and disappointment. So why do we do the most to avoid it?

There is only so much that we can do, to ward off the judgment of others. I have learned that no matter how big or small a life I choose to live, it will always be an unwelcome guest. The kind that shows up unannounced and stays long after the visit should have ended.

Many who have mastered the art of appealing to the masses do so at the cost of their own growth and sense of identity. We learn through judgment that if we don't develop the toughness to withstand it, we will become a slave to its presence. If we do not have a clear view of where to place the judgments of those who could barely walk a mile in our shoes... we find ourselves living to their whims, their standards, and their expectations... without so much as a second thought on our own.

It is often the emotional and psychological pain that comes with judgment that also developments the mental toughness to withstand it. It is a much easier position to fill to observe and cast blame than to live the realities that garnish so much attention, mixed emotions and sometimes shame.

Under the scrutiny of the external gaze we add the echo of our own thoughts... "I which I had known better..." Never acknowledging that at least we know now, and will do better not because of the external, but because we know better... and knowing better is the gift that no schoolbook can buy, it's the gift that comes with time and experience.

While it is a slow processing and often takes little reminders throughout the day, my, "I wish I knew betters," are slowly evolving into "I'm glad I know now..." valuing and cherishing the experiences that were making me and informing my becoming during those low periods that felt like they were breaking me. I could've, would've, and should've known differently (maybe), but the past is gone and the future is uncertain... I'd rather make the best of what I can here and now.

And in the here and now, I can benefit from the things I can do, will do, and am doing... that honours the past and ensures that it is experience that shifts and changes the way I show up in the future. There is no greater motivator. Not the scrutiny or the judgment could bare enough weight to influence my behaviour to do differently, nothing greater than the growth and evolution that can only be nourished from the inside out... through every moment, and every mistake made... I am learning... and ultimately, I think that's what life is about.

#growth #pain #endurance #renewal